How to Melt a Heart in 30 minutes

Ingredients:

20 Greek 10 year olds
A moderate knowledge of Greek
1 village elementary school
Yourself

Instructions:

Place self in elementary school, preferably in the classroom where the children normally have lessons. Have the appropriate adult figure (commonly a teacher) announce to the class that they have a special guest from America and that they can ask him/her whatever they wish. Let the interview roast for about 30 minutes, at which point the adult figure will have to insist that the children go to recess instead of continuing to ask questions. Take melted heart out of classroom and serve immediately.

Tip: If your heart freezes over during recess, have adult figure allow the children time to draw you pictures, which will remelt the heart instantly (and for quite some time).

The girl who drew the tree is the first ten year old, officially, to tell me that they LOVE physics.

From top to bottom: "Thank you very much for coming and seeing us and talking to us! Thank you very much!!!"--"Thank you very much for coming. We hope we will meet you again through Ms. Yianna. We are EXCITED!!"

Can you tell the gender of these two as opposed to the preceding two notes? I love how handwriting styles are so universal. Anyways: "My name is Antonis and I thank you for the questions that you answered for me."--"Thank you very much for coming to our school and we are honored to have met a person from abroad."

Other highlights included:

• When their teacher said, who do you think this is, one of the boys nearly ripped his shoulder out of his socket and when called on said "Your husband!"
• One of the girls was obsessed with Jon Bon Jovi and had written his name in the walls of the school. A budding graffiti artist no doubt.
• I won the boys over by luckily picking the right soccer team to say was my favorite. The eruption of the class was rather imposing.
• During recess I was basically the Fonz, with about 10 girls quizzing me about all kinds of cultural stuff.

And finally...

Four words, infinite possibilities

What story do you get when you cross a cranberry, pygmies, fishing-off-the-coast-of-Maine, and ruthless. Two of our panelists offer their interpretations below (Hint: if you click on the image you get a much bigger view...it's totally worth it):

Text (from top to bottom): I must catch a fish to save my kingdom...I mean, my state that noone cares about--Little known fact: pygmies are related to mermen and love vitamin C--If only I had Ruth to protect me from his spear...spear...spear--(hip hop ballerina hitler): Why wasn't I one of the words/phrases?--At least you got to be drawn

(Cranberry on trial for running pgymy slave trade): I was just fishing your honor--Get in the boats you pygmies!

We met with such success in our first trial that we wondered, what kind of story would we get if we crossed a dinosaur, clairvoyant, flapjacks, and bamboozle? Behold...

Stone Age Diner: Lunch at the drop of an era--I miss Family Circus--Your breakfast sir--I can see right through your pathetic attempts to feed me--I hope daddy thinks next time before he mates with a giraffe

You can read this one I think. Ok, the end! You're welcome.

How Hymettos Can You Go?

Little known fact (by people who know little): Athens has a giant mountain on its (eastern) doorstep. On Sunday, Tracey and I decided to scale that sucker.

Of course, we had different agenda. Tracey is a nature lover and needed a break from pollution Mecca of Greece. I was hoping to reach heaven, and brought several ladders in case the top wasn't quite there yet.

Needless to say, I didn't reach heaven (although writing this blog would be a pretty good way to kill some time in eternity). But I did learn alot of things along the way. First, Tracey taught me what talis is (a collection of loose rock,smaller than bouldering, that harbors asps and slippery moss).

Why can pictures never capture the steepness of an ascent? Also, right after this Tracey uttered the classic line "Just one final push." Once we "pushed," we discovered at the top of this that we had about 3 times as long of a climb left. Luckily, we'd brought tiropita.

Secondly, I remembered what snow looked like. But much more importantly, I learned of the Greek custom of building little snowmen (or snowcats) on the hood of their cars and driving around collecting cool points until it melts.

I was also reminded that from up high everything looks awesome. Maybe we should try this with the economy. Oh wait, the Republicans already did...



A couple other lessons learned during our journey: some Greeks walk their dog by driving alongside it while it runs after them (When done on a mountain, this is considered "sporty"); if someone builds an ice rink at the summit of Hymettos, they stole the idea from me and are legally obligated to give me a cut; Tracey looks good in little girls' hats (we didn't beat any up this time, I swear!).


But perhaps the most important lesson that I learned in my quest to find heaven is that maybe I've already found my paradise, and it's right here, with all you guys. I guess sometimes it takes losing all you have to really appreciate it. Even if it's only for 5 hours.

Apply Now!

Many know, many don't, that my sister is getting married August 22nd. Now if you're male, this means either nothing (if you don't know her) or infinite sadness (if you're Tim Flood). If you're a female (heterosexual of course, of course), this pronouncement spells one huginormous opportunity. That's right: who will get to be my date to said occasion?

But don't worry, given my abhorrence to ALL reality TV (yes, including Top Chef and Project Runway), I won't be making anyone swim under a nursing barracuda or invent a device that mimics true love. In fact, I feel that the decision as to who will accompany me to my sister's wedding can be made after the simple yet meticulous review of a well-composed (and then filled out) application.

So to be considered for this century's greatest honor, kindly re-click on the title of this post under "Previous Posts" (this way the page will only load this entry), print it out, and send by June 15th to me at 54 Souidias St., Athens 106 76, GREECE. Email is also fine, but I'm not giving you that thank you very much. I resolve to make my decision by July 15th, preferably sooner, so as to give the winner a chance to figure out how to get to Pittsburgh in late August (still high tourist season for the 'Burgh).

Jeremy LaBuff's Consort Application

Name (First and Last; Middle only if it's cool):

Occupation (this is the one time "Student" isn't a disadvantage):

Preferred Occupation:

Preferred Occupation of Jeremy LaBuff (i.e., what you wish he'd be):

Your Favorite ("smiling" is already taken):

When Will the Cows Come Home?

Define a Morality Scale (what/who is 1 and what/who is 10?):

Where do you fall on your Morality Scale?

Choose the option(s) that best describes yourself. When at someone else's wedding, I usually:

1. Cry when the bride walks down the aisle
2. Memorize the reception menu before the ceremony is over, then write a scathing review in your head that no one will ever read, but that you will never forget.
3. Hide one drink behind your back while asking a nice gentleman (definitely not Jeremy) to get you another.
4. Insist on a dance with the groom before the bride.
5. Make an awesome impromptu speech that gets you invited to the family's country home even though they barely know you.
6. Play with the kids the whole time because you wish you had children of your own.
7. Catch the bouquet whatever it takes.
8. Don't even try to catch the bouquet because I don't even believe in that stupid superstition anyways and maybe I don't even want to get married because, seriously, it's like such a sham and I'm so much happier being sing--WHY WON'T ANYONE MARRY ME???

How many really bad romantic comedies about weddings have you memorized the script for? These include all Jennifer Lopez movies, a couple with Ashton Kucher...basically anything that's not Wedding Crashers.

Describe your laugh.



Describe your fake laugh.

Name five great things about Pittsburgh (Nothing can be from Wikipedia)

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What color dress will you wear?

What color dress do you wish you would wear?

When you meet someone else's family, do you:

1. look forward to gaining insight into your friend that he/she probably hides normally
2. look forward to finding out how much cooler than your friend his/her family is
3. hope that someone in the family is alot cuter than said friend
4. dread the fake smiles and pretentious friendliness that you and they will be forced to mime for the next who knows how many hours.
5. realize that this is a golden opportunity to embarrass your friend, and look for old photos, think of legendary tales, and eat lots and lots of refried beans.
6. pretend that it's Helen Keller imitation day.

Finally, select the level of difficulty for you to attend this wedding, considering your schedule, finances, and dignity.

1. I can't come, I just like to dream big
2. I could get the time off, but I just don't know if I can foot those steep SouthWest prices.
3. Cost isn't an issue, but I have this deluded notion that my career path/class schedule/killing spree is more important than the most important wedding since Ferdinand and Isabel united all of Spain.
4. I can get the time off, but I heard that the next version of the iphone/LCD flatscreen/honda prius/walker texas ranger season 3 dvd is coming out and I'm kind of a materialistic douche (ok, that last one is pretty cool).
5. I heart Pittsburgh and try to go there every chance I get. I might have a schedule conflict, but I won't know until _____ (date).
6. I regularly bathe but can't read.
7. If you'll have me, I'm vigorously nodding as you read this.

Signature and Date

It's "mermouse" [cough, cough] Mermouse!!

Ten Days Post Ten Days

In the middle of January, I took a journey to the lands of Spain and France. Perfect blog material, and therefore no excuse to wait until now to write about it. Only problem, you smug jerk, is that while in Madrid, I found out that a week from when I got back to Athens, I was to give a 45 minute talk on my research to the School. Excellent.

Well, that happened yesterday, and everyone was so awed by my Italian tie that they were duped into thinking that I made sense. And what is academic brilliance if not being well-dressed?

Cavan turned Bono

Ok, to Spain. Alot happened, and I pretty much didn't take pictures of any of it. If you want to see the great architecture of Barcelona, go find my album on Picasa. But for storytelling purposes, I totally dropped the ball. Which is why the rest of this entry is a bunch of aphorisms.

Try as you might the plane will go down, and when it does, ere the seat belt sign is quenched, the horde will rise up and overthrow the tyranny of airline procedure, and you will be the last one off the plane.

When choosing a place to dine in a city first time, trust not the lightly seasoned tourist's eye fixed in a guide book. For free champagne you will sacrifice your dignity and and leave your tongue made cuckold.

Sometimes China lies just behind the bend of a Western cultural center. Of course, anything looks impressive after a Contemporary art exhibit, featuring the famous all-black canvas (aside: one of my favorite moments ever was when we met a girl who studies the artist who makes all-black canvases, and Rae tried to diplomatically get out of the fact that she thought it was utter trash).

Don't let Army girls push their propaganda on you without a fight. I'll go to Kosovo and snowboard no matter what your generals tell you!

It's super annoying when the airline loses your bag. But when they lose your friend's bag, it's really not so bad.

The best way to visit a city is not to go to its museums. Sure, you can brag that you've been to some fancily named place--if you're into amassing tourist cred go for it--but better to find a hole in the wall and eat things you never knew existed, served to you by a man missing teeth that probably never existed, finished off by a magical elixir shot that ensures that your indigestion never existed.

When you get married, never Skype with your in-laws in front of other people. Unless, of course, you don't mind them finding out that you might have Herpes.

If you ever think that a bakery is good, just remember, even the worst bakery in Paris is better. Unfortunately the same can no longer be said for the crepe.

When cooking beef bourguignon, the most important thing is not the wine you use, the cognac, or even the quality of beef. It's that you make sure your stove top actually works. Oops.

The last thing I want to eat before I die