Apply Now!

Many know, many don't, that my sister is getting married August 22nd. Now if you're male, this means either nothing (if you don't know her) or infinite sadness (if you're Tim Flood). If you're a female (heterosexual of course, of course), this pronouncement spells one huginormous opportunity. That's right: who will get to be my date to said occasion?

But don't worry, given my abhorrence to ALL reality TV (yes, including Top Chef and Project Runway), I won't be making anyone swim under a nursing barracuda or invent a device that mimics true love. In fact, I feel that the decision as to who will accompany me to my sister's wedding can be made after the simple yet meticulous review of a well-composed (and then filled out) application.

So to be considered for this century's greatest honor, kindly re-click on the title of this post under "Previous Posts" (this way the page will only load this entry), print it out, and send by June 15th to me at 54 Souidias St., Athens 106 76, GREECE. Email is also fine, but I'm not giving you that thank you very much. I resolve to make my decision by July 15th, preferably sooner, so as to give the winner a chance to figure out how to get to Pittsburgh in late August (still high tourist season for the 'Burgh).

Jeremy LaBuff's Consort Application

Name (First and Last; Middle only if it's cool):

Occupation (this is the one time "Student" isn't a disadvantage):

Preferred Occupation:

Preferred Occupation of Jeremy LaBuff (i.e., what you wish he'd be):

Your Favorite ("smiling" is already taken):

When Will the Cows Come Home?

Define a Morality Scale (what/who is 1 and what/who is 10?):

Where do you fall on your Morality Scale?

Choose the option(s) that best describes yourself. When at someone else's wedding, I usually:

1. Cry when the bride walks down the aisle
2. Memorize the reception menu before the ceremony is over, then write a scathing review in your head that no one will ever read, but that you will never forget.
3. Hide one drink behind your back while asking a nice gentleman (definitely not Jeremy) to get you another.
4. Insist on a dance with the groom before the bride.
5. Make an awesome impromptu speech that gets you invited to the family's country home even though they barely know you.
6. Play with the kids the whole time because you wish you had children of your own.
7. Catch the bouquet whatever it takes.
8. Don't even try to catch the bouquet because I don't even believe in that stupid superstition anyways and maybe I don't even want to get married because, seriously, it's like such a sham and I'm so much happier being sing--WHY WON'T ANYONE MARRY ME???

How many really bad romantic comedies about weddings have you memorized the script for? These include all Jennifer Lopez movies, a couple with Ashton Kucher...basically anything that's not Wedding Crashers.

Describe your laugh.



Describe your fake laugh.

Name five great things about Pittsburgh (Nothing can be from Wikipedia)

• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  

What color dress will you wear?

What color dress do you wish you would wear?

When you meet someone else's family, do you:

1. look forward to gaining insight into your friend that he/she probably hides normally
2. look forward to finding out how much cooler than your friend his/her family is
3. hope that someone in the family is alot cuter than said friend
4. dread the fake smiles and pretentious friendliness that you and they will be forced to mime for the next who knows how many hours.
5. realize that this is a golden opportunity to embarrass your friend, and look for old photos, think of legendary tales, and eat lots and lots of refried beans.
6. pretend that it's Helen Keller imitation day.

Finally, select the level of difficulty for you to attend this wedding, considering your schedule, finances, and dignity.

1. I can't come, I just like to dream big
2. I could get the time off, but I just don't know if I can foot those steep SouthWest prices.
3. Cost isn't an issue, but I have this deluded notion that my career path/class schedule/killing spree is more important than the most important wedding since Ferdinand and Isabel united all of Spain.
4. I can get the time off, but I heard that the next version of the iphone/LCD flatscreen/honda prius/walker texas ranger season 3 dvd is coming out and I'm kind of a materialistic douche (ok, that last one is pretty cool).
5. I heart Pittsburgh and try to go there every chance I get. I might have a schedule conflict, but I won't know until _____ (date).
6. I regularly bathe but can't read.
7. If you'll have me, I'm vigorously nodding as you read this.

Signature and Date

It's "mermouse" [cough, cough] Mermouse!!