Ass Gratitude

The events of Tuesday evening have led me to celebrate a proto-Thanksgiving several weeks ahead of the real deal. To that end, witness the following "panegyric" to my favorite political party.

Thanks, fair Democrats, for hosting a wonderful all-night election party. You really embodied the spirit of egalitarianism and freedom by holding it in the Hilton, charging 35 Euros, and refusing to let
everyone come. Thanks also for letting the Hilton charge 15 euros a drink after our complimentary glass of wine.



Tracey with her "nemesis," who initially wouldn't let us into the party. Tracey, never deterred, texted her that it was undemocratic to not let us in, and signed her text with her credentials. The lady responded by pointing out the complexity of putting together such an event, signing it with HER credentials, including 6th grade spelling bee champion. Eventually the whole thing was cleared up and we were allowed among the rest of the horde. Actually, the lady turned out to be really nice.

Thanks, Jim Beam handle, for sneaking into the Hilton with us, thus providing with the necessary fluids to stay up all night to hear the results of the election.

Thanks, broad-minded Democrats, for playing a slide show during the national anthem, consisting of ONLY MALE celebrities. Besides the sexism, I almost regretted my vote when the images of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon flashed before my nausea-bulging eyes. And for the record, Matt Damon was eaten by a giant house cat in Team America, and I beat up Jason Bourne yesterday.

Thanks, humble Democrats, for hooting and hollering in ecstatic joy when CNN showed a demographic that twice as many post-graduates voted for Obama as McCain. This clearly means Democrats are smarter, and has nothing to do with the ideology pumped into the classrooms of higher education. My lungs are still hurting from the smug.

Thank you, Democratic platform, for turning my friend Tracey and her biting critiques/candid awareness into an idealist. Also, you put Toby to sleep, but I am told that is how Koreans show their support.


Thank you, oh so much, South Park, for your brilliant episode on the election. Please everyone watch it, preferably for free.

Finally, thank you, cyncial worldview, for helping me to feel superior to everyone else while at the same time freeing me from any sense of obligation to suggest something better. I sure showed them!

In other news, my washing machine exploded today. Although this meant dirty water all over my floor, it also meant I was forced to mop my apartment. And yes, I used soap the second time around. Hurrah!