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Good Evening, I'm Doughy Eagleson.

And I'm Sloppy McGee. You're watching Channel Endeka Brathy News, Athens' favorite source of panic.

Tonight's top story comes to us from the lowly town of Philadelphia, all the way in the backwards nation of the United States. Celebrated ex-patriate Jeremy LaBuff returned there in grand style recently, and instantly began imbibing drinks dubbed everywhere else in the world as "girly drinks," but apparently which are acceptable in this uncultured enclave. Our field reporter, Rusty Pumpkin, has more.

Thanks Doughy. All was chaos here as the 26-year old with the charm of Johnny Appleseed descended on this tiny little hamlet nestled in the Delaware River valley. One witness stated that Jeremy "wasn't satisfied by drinking non-beer from a bottle, but proceeded to add Peach Schnapps!" Apparently this made his pinky finger stick out even more when he drank, prompting the Gender Role Police to intervene. "Things were really out of hand by the time we arrived," reported Chief Mulder. "There was only one thing we could do to contain the situation. Yeah, that's right. We sent him to an Irish pub and forced him to take a Tequila shot." This seemed to have had some effect, as Jeremy proceeded to pay girls to take pictures with him. But some have wondered whether this is a sign of improvement, or just another symptom of the problem. The bear still remains at large. Back to you, Do' and Sloppers!

Thanks Rusty. Our next story centers around a young couple in love. But things weren't so perfect when Marcie Handler crushed her fiancé, Mark,'s lifelong dream with her malicious barbs of laughter. When the shy but determined Mark decided to take the next step in their relationship by sharing his goal of opening a Mediterranean grocery store, the shrill cackles of Marcie fell like the resounding scorn of a pack of eighth-graders on a victim of acne.

Speaking of acne, my wife Rosy has this problem behind her ear that---

Why are you talking! In any event, when asked how this would effect the upcoming wedding, Mark had no comment, other than to suggest that maybe if Marcie had a dream, say becoming a world-class masseuse, she might be able to relate to the daring nature of his hopes. Marcie was too busy finding patterns to be reached.

Professional putzer Katie "Lemon-Basil Makes My Morning" Swinford is scheduled to emerge from her work-aholic coccoon tomorrow evening. People have already gathered outside the coccoon in anticipation of the event, despite Katie's insistence that she won't be able to predict when "winter" will be over. Apparently Greeks are so desperate for a groundhog-like prophet that they're willing to listen to just about anyone.

That's the truest and noblest thing you've ever said, Doughy. Well, that about raps it up for us here at Channel Endeka. Thanks for tuning in Athens, and please stop sending me bras.

Goodnight everyone from all of us. Indeed.